I remember being soooo tired. I was tired of being the "good" person, and I was tired of being the "bigger" person, I was tired of just being a human in general. It was a reoccurring image in my head of writing in the bathroom of my home, from another woman that just took that last bit of fight that I had in me, and I was done. I knew that I was done, because when I was talking to my husband about it, I had no desire to scream, yell, curse, fight, I just wanted him to leave. I was over it. The most devastating thing a person could ever deal with aside from death of someone that they love, is betrayal from someone that they love.
Well try loving someone that had nothing and you didn't care. Well, folks that is where I went wrong. I don't know how many little cliche' posts that I saw about not falling in love off of potential, and I have seen so many times where a woman loves on a man who has nothing, and he does her wrong. I somehow thought that this situation would be extremely different from all of the other million examples that I could have ever seen in my life. Ha! I laugh at it now because I can't do shit else about it. That is the first mistake. I risked all of my energy and love on someone who showed me in the beginning that they weren't even going to come close to deserving it. So, why did you do it Ro? I didn't want to believe that I was this high class bougie elitist chick. I love helping people and I love being around things that remind me of where I come from, in an effort to be a constant reminder that I was a product of this environment, and someone took a chance on me, so it felt like an obligation for me to not judge someone else that was in the same situation I was in.
Like most relationships, they start out so light and fun. I never really peeped how much money and time I was putting into the relationship, because he was providing me with his time, laughs, he was handsome, amongst many other things. :) But, I ignored all of the signs that showed me that this was a man that only loved to survive. He had a pattern of going from woman to woman to live with them, have them be a surrogate mother, and in return he could be this "protector" like figure that they may have never felt in their adult life. Boy, was I in for trouble. I was already too far deep in my feelings, when I finally realized this was going to be a "No" for me. Then one day out of nowhere he changed. He was different. He was all of the things that I could have wanted in a human being to share my space with. This lasted for some time, and then we got married. I was there for him when he went through his ups and downs with employment, his own self-esteem issues, and the struggle of him dealing with the man that he wanted to be versus the boy that he knew for so long. I took the vows, I was in too deep. Until death do us part, is supposed to mean something. You should be a ride or die, right? Well, for me that is WRONG! You stop being a ride or die when a man constantly disrespects you. I had wanted for him to grow and somewhere he just stopped growing, possibly because he came too close to seeing how scary it is to let go of those things that no longer serve a purpose in your life, but since he isn't a part of this blog- I can't say. I will have to leave it at that.