I remember being soooo tired. I was tired of being the "good" person, and I was tired of being the "bigger" person, I was tired of just being a human in general. It was a reoccurring image in my head of writing in the bathroom of my home, from another woman that just took that last bit of fight that I had in me, and I was done. I knew that I was done, because when I was talking to my husband about it, I had no desire to scream, yell, curse, fight, I just wanted him to leave. I was over it. The most devastating thing a person could ever deal with aside from death of someone that they love, is betrayal from someone that they love.
Well try loving someone that had nothing and you didn't care. Well, folks that is where I went wrong. I don't know how many little cliche' posts that I saw about not falling in love off of potential, and I have seen so many times where a woman loves on a man who has nothing, and he does her wrong. I somehow thought that this situation would be extremely different from all of the other million examples that I could have ever seen in my life. Ha! I laugh at it now because I can't do shit else about it. That is the first mistake. I risked all of my energy and love on someone who showed me in the beginning that they weren't even going to come close to deserving it. So, why did you do it Ro? I didn't want to believe that I was this high class bougie elitist chick. I love helping people and I love being around things that remind me of where I come from, in an effort to be a constant reminder that I was a product of this environment, and someone took a chance on me, so it felt like an obligation for me to not judge someone else that was in the same situation I was in.
Like most relationships, they start out so light and fun. I never really peeped how much money and time I was putting into the relationship, because he was providing me with his time, laughs, he was handsome, amongst many other things. :) But, I ignored all of the signs that showed me that this was a man that only loved to survive. He had a pattern of going from woman to woman to live with them, have them be a surrogate mother, and in return he could be this "protector" like figure that they may have never felt in their adult life. Boy, was I in for trouble. I was already too far deep in my feelings, when I finally realized this was going to be a "No" for me. Then one day out of nowhere he changed. He was different. He was all of the things that I could have wanted in a human being to share my space with. This lasted for some time, and then we got married. I was there for him when he went through his ups and downs with employment, his own self-esteem issues, and the struggle of him dealing with the man that he wanted to be versus the boy that he knew for so long. I took the vows, I was in too deep. Until death do us part, is supposed to mean something. You should be a ride or die, right? Well, for me that is WRONG! You stop being a ride or die when a man constantly disrespects you. I had wanted for him to grow and somewhere he just stopped growing, possibly because he came too close to seeing how scary it is to let go of those things that no longer serve a purpose in your life, but since he isn't a part of this blog- I can't say. I will have to leave it at that.
I realized a flaw that I have within myself, is that I am so concerned about other people's comfort and happiness, that I often miss out on my own. As I have begun establishing clear boundaries with people, I feel so much better about laying down the boundaries because it prevents me from being a part of the being abused by the group of people that I call the "TAKERS".
TAKERS- are the people that come into your life, and they love the way that you love on them, they love the way that you treat them, and they love the things that you do for them. However, when shit hits the fan and you are expecting them to reciprocate, the TAKERS typically RUN, and or take the gesture of "I NEVER ASKED YOU TO DO THAT FOR ME". I ended up being married to a TAKER, and didn't realize it until things started to get out of control.
There are some clear signs to recognize a TAKER and I just wanted to share what those signs are so that you can know and learn from my mistakes.
Manipulative- A taker can smell out loyalty and they often manipulate your loyal quality so that it always leaves you feeling guilty when you tell them that you don't want to do things that really are above and beyond.
Selfish- A taker will be the type to always buy stuff for themselves, no matter how many times you looked out, and or helped them, they will never find the emotional intelligence to reach out to you to see if you need anything.
Habitual Liars- A taker will lie for no reason at all. If you ask them if the sky is blue, they will say it is green if they feel like they can shack up at your place for a little longer. A taker will not be honest about their intentions with you, so if they lie in the beginning, they will lie throughout and to the end of the relationship! BEWARE!
Jealous- Takers are typically jealous of people and if there is any inclination that you are doing better in your life than theirs, they will try to make you feel bad for your growth or they won't be supportive. Takers often times are the same kind of people that project negativity onto you when you have a new idea or something different that you want to do. If it doesn't include them, they are going to hate.
We will get into more of these descriptions at our Women's Group Talk Session, where we talk about Toxic Relationships and creating boundaries on October 27th! I hope to see you there. Don't forget to subscribe for more of my thoughts!