Updated: Jan 4
2019 was the year of failed attempts for dating for a lot of my friends, and it was a truly enlightening experience for me, because I had just made the decision to start to try and date. The whole idea of dating after being single for two years made me cringe. I honestly wanted no parts of it, but it was almost like the inevitable for me. I had felt that I had become too content with being alone, and I don’t know that as a person that helps couples, that was a good look.
The year was full of twists and turns, and it was great. For women, I want them to know that there are really good men out here and for men, there are really good women out here. The few dates that I did go on, I got to see how special people are in their own little way. The one thing that can be disappointing about dating, is when you meet the right man, but in the wrong mindset. I call him, Mr. Emotionally Unavailable. This guy is very normal, even financially stable, and attractive, but when you start to uncover his layers, you can get set-up in being stuck loving on someone, that isn’t capable of loving on you. Thankfully, there are a few signs to dating this kind of man, for those that always end up getting caught in love, and it’s too late to get out.
1. Mr. Labels Aren’t Important
A person who has no rules is typically one that is not going to be emotionally available to you. If he has a problem with saying that you guys are “dating”, or the mere struggle in outlining what a future commitment can look like while you guys are having sex and or spending time together. That man is not available emotionally for you. If you can be good enough for him to have physical relations with every night, but he can’t seem to tell you where you fit in his future, do a magic trick and make yourself disappear. Men, especially men, who tell you that they are not good with relationships, and or defining things- believe them. Accept their negative pronouncements and accept their truth.
2. Mr. Overly Charming
This guy is generally someone who you can really catch a vibe with because they always know the right things to say. However, while they know the right things to say -their actions are so inconsistent with that. He will show up, be a gentleman, and not even know you- but this could be a well-rehearsed act. He is a guy that has had enough women in his lifetime, to know how and what to say to them. He is sooo charming that you don’t even remember how inconsistent he’s been. He does this to keep the door open long enough to come in and out as he so pleases.
3. Mr. Brokenhearted, but Fuck everyone I am good.
This guy probably swears up and down that he is okay and wants a relationship. A lot of that may very well be true, but any chance he can get to talk about what his last girl or what previous girls he dealt with did to him, he will bring it up. He may always end that discussion with an “it’s all good, I am okay though”; when really – he isn’t good, and he isn’t okay. You will find yourself hearing about all of the nice things that he did for women and wonder- why in the world didn’t I meet him sooner? He will speak so negatively of his past that it makes you want to go above and beyond to show him that you are different for him in the hopes that he will treat you the opposite of what he has described. Unfortunately,he is so broken and hurt that he can not trust again. That is a man, that may be out here wanting to date- but nothing serious can come from it, without him working on being vulnerable and the woman having a lot of patience. Typically, a rule of thumb is to stay away from people who don’t have enough maturity to take responsibility for their parts in their past mistakes.
4. Mr. All About Me.
I don’t know about most women, but I love a little confidence and cockiness. However, too much of it can be annoying and a clear sign of a narcissistic personality coming out. It can become an issue when you meet a man that is overtly flaunting and celebrating the way that he dresses, the money he has, the cars he drives, and that is all he can seem to discuss. Whenever you try and talk to him, if he isn’t cutting you off to talk about himself, you may feel like he isn’t even listening. That is a huge red flag, of someone who isn’t ready for a relationship where both people in the relationship are valued. For me, when someone is always speaking on themselves and their things- they may have low self-esteem and a lack of emotional health, which wouldn’t make them a good boyfriend or spouse.
5. Mr. She Must Be Perfect
Most Emotionally unavailable people tend to always describe this unrealistic mate. They are always looking for that flaw or defect. This gives them permission to be able to escape from being vulnerable with another person. The guy that wants Ms. Perfect, is usually the person that is scared of being rejected, and criticized themselves. They are so scared of real intimacy and love that they will find any excuse to not allow themselves to get close to anyone. They may have fun with someone, talk to them, and say “she’s cool….but I don’t like the way that she wears her hair..” These small things will have nothing to do with you, and he will typically be a ghoster. He will cease communication without even explaining how he feels. Ladies, let it die and move on!
If you notice that the person that you’re dating exhibits these signs or behaviors- you may not want to waste your time in trying to change them or to get to see you in a different light. Accept that they aren’t a good fit for you, and it will save you emotionally disappointment. A person that is emotionally available, will be consistent, caring, accepting of you and your feelings.